April 15th, 2009

Want to know what is currently warping my mind right now?

a year ago.
a year ago to the day of April 15.

a year ago tonight, I was falling asleep in a bed in the heart of Oregon; having finished packing and shifting around my clothes in three suitcases and printing out boarding passes for my flight from Portland to Sacramento. a year ago in about 12 hours, I was getting off a plane in the Sacramento airport, being greeted by a familiar and loved face and shoving my suitcases in the back of Zandra's mom's Fit. a year ago, I had plans and dreams and ideas and they were all focused around one person. a year ago, I thought I knew exactly what life had in store for me. a year ago; i was basking in the California sunshine, eating in-n-out, walking down the streets of Nevada City hand in hand with a boy and glowing.

when i think about a year ago and the differences between the person i was then and the person i am now; i can't help but be sad, proud and content all at the same time. i'm so different from the Chelsie who was standing in the middle of pioneer park on April 15th, 2009. since then, i've experienced real heart break, real forgiveness, real healing, real happiness and real trust. I've come a long way. The summer that followed April was one of the hardest and most beautiful times of my life. Fall semester was the best semester of my college career. I owned school; I owned getting a job and I found security and comfort in my roommates. I met some beautiful people who taught me new things about life and about myself. I met the Klenotich sisters, my two roommates who have inspired me in different ways to never let my dreams or goals go. I met my brother, who slowly began to break down my walls and taught me how to trust again. Winter semester was just the opposite of fall, and was the worst semester of my college career. Health problems, insecurities, the past coming to haunt me, school and work piling up. It was the worst emotional roller coster I have been on in a long time. I cried more this semester than I did during the year I was sick. Intense.

But here I am. I got through this last year. I survived. And I am better because of it.
I have learned so much about myself and about where I am going. I have learned how to build on the moment and on the present and how to hope and dream; but to be open to change.

If there is anything I have really learned about this past year; it would be change, and how to embrace it and how to deal with it and how to see the beauties that come from change. Change is hard. Sometimes, change is heartbreaking. But we are always changing. Every breath I take is different in some way or form from my last breath. I am constantly changing; I am constantly thinking and growing and making connections. Change is tricky. Sometimes I hate it with all of my little being. I hate watching people I love leave, or watching people I love hurt. I hate finding security in someone or something and then watching as time progresses and the things I have found myself relying on being constant and consistent, changing. But, if anything; I have learned that change is everything. Without change, there is no way to learn or grow. Without the changes over the last year, I wouldn't be the person I am today. I wouldn't have had the opportunity to really learn how to forgive, or how to open up or how to love unconditionally. Change is good. It sucks sometimes, but like my mom says: "think of the bigger picture, Belle." And that is what I've learned. That bigger picture. Because while sometimes change sucks in the moment; the truth is that in the long run, change will benefit us, if we let it.

This week has been weird. It's been so weird not having to worry about anything school related. It's weird coming home from work and realizing that I'm done for the day. It's weird watching movies non-stop, it's weird having the ability to take a three hour nap after my shift. It's weird only having three of us in our apartment. It's weird not being able to waltz over to the Arbor Cove house on the corner and hang out with Geoff. It's just weird. it's different. it's change.

and next week will bring more change. school will start back up, there will be new faces around, new people to try out this trust thing with and the absence of faces who kept me company constantly last semester (vicki, trish, jillise, carissa and geoffrey). But it'll be okay. change is good.

so tonight, exactly a year later from April 15th, 2009, I will curl up in my own bed, here in the heart of Rexburg, Idaho. I'll wake up tomorrow morning and go into the Alumni Office to work my morning shift as receptionist. After that, I'll swing back home, grab Erin, fill up the Cazz Machine and drive to Utah with the windows rolled down, the music blasting and filled with excitement at the great adventures and change that lay ahead of me.

poison and wine

holy crap, I am really digging this song/band right now. So much texture and tension in the vocals, supported by the perfect balance of instrumental sounds. So powerful. So beautiful.

You only know what I want you to

I know everything you don't want me to

Oh your mouth is poison, your mouth is wine

Oh you think your dreams are the same as mine

Oh I don't love you but I always will

Oh I don't love you but I always will

Oh I don't love you but I always will

I always will

I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back

The less I give the more I get back

Oh your hands can heal, your hands can bruise

I don't have a choice but I still choose you

Oh I don't love you but I always will

Oh I don't love you but I always will

Oh I don't love you but I always will

Oh I don't love you but I always will

Oh I don't love you but I always will

Oh I don't love you but I always will

Oh I don't love you but I always will

I always will

I always will

I always will

I always will

I always will 

today is...

...a windows open, scent of a storm on the wind, tai pei pepper beef stir fry for lunch, sandals and new skinny jeans, pony tail and sunglasses, Ingrid Michaleson and Kate Nash, run errands while drinking a Hazelnut coca bean, and cuddling in my bed with a good book kind of day.

dear brother

Dear Brother,

Today was the last time we got to spend time together for a while. And although I know that things will be okay and that the next chapter in your life is going to be amazing and I can't wait to see what God has in store for you in the next two years; I am very sad. I'm going to be selfish and say I didn't want to see you go. 

I don't know what I'm going to do without you close by.

But I know that everything will be okay.

Geoffrey is like a teddy bear...except better because he talks. 

There isn't much to say, except thank you for everything, especially all of the time you have shared with me.

stay safe.

see you soon. 

always,

Chelsabelle

finals week kills me every time.

I hate this week.
this week sucks.

but on the plus side, I have a solid B in family foundations and a solid A in into to english studies.
Science....hopefully a C.
History...hopefully a solid B.
English...hopefully a solid B

american government....I can't even think about you right now.

I hate today.
Today sucks.

i do not have time to be crying about this, but every time i think about how much is going to change next week, i can barely hold myself together.

have i said how much i hate the last week of the semester?

observations on the last saturday of the semester

It's two o'clock in the afternoon on the last Saturday of the Winter Semester of 2010 and I find myself on this snowy spring day in a rather empty Rexburg curled up in the "couch nest" in Geoff's kitchen. The afternoon session of General Conference just started and the sounds of the choir fill the apartment, along with the smell of Darren's lunch of spaghetti and meat sauce.

I left my apartment a little before ten this morning, my life shoved into a bag slung over my shoulder as I grumbled to myself about the four inches of snow that blanketed the parking lot. Rexburg has not gotten the memo that it is supposed to be spring. I waited impatiently for Cazz to defrost and slowly made my out of my parking lot, slid through the four way stop, across the intersection and into Geoff's driveway.

We've spent the day putting around, listening to conference and Geoff doing a bit of light cleaning. We sat in the couch nest (the couches were pushed together in the kitchen so Geoff could vacuum) and played farmville while listening to music and talking about the gas, hours and rest stops that will be required in Geoff's 28 hour drive back to Texas next week. In between conference sessions, we took a trip to take missionary pictures and than ended back up in the couch nest, harvesting our crops on farmville and counting out the hours until the next harvest time.

I should be studying right now; or paying more attention to conference. I should be productive. But instead, I'm sitting here on the couch, watching Geoff pack up the rest of his clothes in his suitcase and thinking about what that means for me this coming week. I hate goodbyes, and this one is going to be a hard one. I don't like thinking about the absence of security that I have found in this apartment, in the comfort I have found in the passenger seat of the little white car in the driveway and especially the security and comfort and friendship I have found in the crazy Texan currently dancing around his apartment.

It's hard to find words to describe the friendship that Geoff and I have, because when it comes down to it; he and I are the only ones who understand how it works. Sometimes we yell at each other, sometimes we go for car rides, sometimes we have conversations by staring at each other, sometimes we have stair wars and sometimes we look up Chuck Norris jokes and eat bad Chinese food. Sometimes I need a shell, sometimes he needs a hug. Sometimes I cry. Sometime he vents. Sometimes we sit in silence doing our own separate things. Sometimes we play Rat-A-Tat-Cat. Sometimes we don't see each other for days. But I think the greatest thing about Geoffrey is that he is my "anyway friend."  An anyway friend is the one person in your life who, no matter what they say or do or what you say or do, no matter what they've been through with you, no matter what mistakes you make or how many times you fail or fall, they love you anyway.

And I'm a little bit scared and sad to see my anyway friend leave Rexburg.

When I really think about it; I know that things will be okay. Although it will be an adjustment on my end to realize that I can't waltz over to the Arbor Cove house across from Porter Park when I need to get out of my apartment or that I won't be able to curl up in my shell when I'm having bad days; I know things will be okay. And I know it'll be hard on my end to not be around when he's having bad days too, things will be okay. In all of the time that we've been friends, I've never been let down and we've learned that we can get through tough things. I know that this friend is different; because Geoff isn't just my friend or even just my best friend. He's my brother.


So as I now sit in an empty apartment (Darren and Geoff are now at priesthood) surrounded by suitcases and clean laundry ready to be packed and wondering what this next week will bring; realizing that I still have a load of homework to do, and hoping that my American Government Paper comes back with a decent grade; I can't help but smile. It is amazing to sit here and realize that God really knows what he is doing. And if he knew what he was doing to get me to this point in my life; I need to have faith that he'll keep on guiding me in the direction that I am supposed to go.

but as for tonight; I'll wait for Geoff and Darren to come home and probably eat soup for dinner while helping Geoff finish off his packing. Maybe we'll do a bit of homework; maybe we'll watch a movie. Whatever we do, I'll enjoy this last saturday night of the semester with my best friend and I'm thankful for that.

I've come to realize that although my life is tough sometimes; it's always beautiful. The people in my life make it beautiful. And no matter what happens, life will continue to be beautiful

i am keeping it together.