two roads diverged in the woods and I-

I took the one less traveled by

and that has made all the difference.

Robert Frost, you make my life. <3

Goals for today

1. print out a million things

2. organize everything

3. clean my room up

4. do my homework

5. see my friends.

6. write that letter.

flashback

for some reason, today i had a sudden flash back of driving from seminary to school every day with Jordan in the beginning of my sophomore year with Kelly Clarkson blasting.

and now I have this song stuck in my head.

He drowns in his dreams

An exquisite extreme I know

He's as damned as he seems

And more heaven than a heart could hold

And if I try to save him

My whole world would cave in

It just ain't right

Lord, it just ain't right

Oh and I don't know

I don't know what he's after

But he's so beautiful

He's such a beautiful disaster

And if I could hold on

Through the tears and laughter

Lord, Would it be beautiful?

Or just a beautiful disaster

Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,

somebody said that life isn't fair

when somebody else was saying a prayer.

i know you better then you realize.

I am thankful for Julianna.

observations on the last day of Break

my stuff is scattered everywhere and maybe that is why I am having such a hard time getting myself to pack. There are piles of clothes on the ground, books on the desk and I'm not sure where my hairbrush went off too.

It's been a weird day.

I was going to fill today up with seeing some friends and saying some goodbyes, but of course, the howling wind raging outside making the air thick with white snow has made any attempt at leaving my home impossible. Instead, I spent the early afternoon curled up on the couch with my mom, watching NCIS and drinking hot cocoa while the fire in the wood stove burned comfortably and my kitties curled up at the hearth, drinking in the heat. Not what I planned, but I was oddly okay with it, because to me, that scene is exactly what I imagine when I picture "home" in my head. Maybe with a slight variation; sometimes I am watching the weather channel, sometimes I am curled up in the chair with a book, sometimes I am crocheting. But the setting is always the same: the warm fire in the wood stove, the kitties on the hearth and the cold wind howling outside, blowing around the snow.

But now, as I am sitting on a bed that really isn't mine, in a room that is pink and green instead of blue and looking at all of my stuff strewn across the floor and in a suitcase instead of hanging neatly in a closet, i realize that this really isn't my home anymore. It's quite a painful realization, and it scares the living daylights out of me as well, but it's true. While New England and New Hampshire will always be the place I am from, it is becoming more clear that this is not necessarily my home anymore. I mean, New Hampshire will always be home to me, but in a different kind of way. This is where I grew up, this is the place that shaped who the person I am today and these are the places where I have the fondest of memories. Yet, while being home the last two weeks has been incredible and I really am not too happy about having to leave tomorrow morning, there have been these little hints throughout the break that show me that things are different. the meaning of home is different.

The truth is, I am almost 20 and for the past two weeks, I have been referring to Idaho as home way more than New Hampshire. When it comes down to it, my life is more in Idaho then it is here. School, friends, job, car, apartment. I'm living out there, not only in a physical sense, but in a emotional and mental sense as well. I'm living out there.

It's a weird realization, a sad one, but an almost happy one at the same time. I mean, I'm really growing up. I am really making my own choices and I really am becoming my own person. I'm really growing up.

But at the same time, that thought is scarier then anything else.

One thing is for certain, though. As I sit here in my sister's old room and look at all of my stuff everywhere, the cold wind is still howling outside my window and the snow is still blowing across my backyard and the fire is still smoldering in the wood stove in my living room and I know that I will always be a New England girl.

I find the map and draw a straight line
Over rivers, farms, and state lines
The distance from 'A' to where you'd be
It's only finger-lengths that I see
I touch the place where I'd find your face
My finger in creases of distant dark places


Their words mostly noises
Ghosts with just voices
Your words in my memory
Are like music to me

I'm miles from where you are

I am laying down on the cold ground

and I pray that something picks me up

and sets me down in your warm arms.

snow patrol, i love youuu and I can't wait to see Dear John

which I just finished.

really?

i really don't want to leave New England yet. I love being home and two weeks has been far too short to see everyone that I wanted to see and do everything that I wanted to do.

that being said.

I do not want to have to be stressed out about getting back to Utah, but I already am. In true New England style, a huge storm system is moving in tonight and looking like it will stay until Sunday night. And of course it is going to hit the Coast more then it will hit in land. And of course, I am flying out of Boston (a costal city) because my father did not want to pay the extra 40 bucks to fly me out of Manchester, even though my mom told him it would be worth the extra money.

Geoff flys into Utah tomorrow morning and is already waiting an extra day in order to pick me up at the airport Sunday morning and I do not want to make him wait any longer. And if this storm system really delays my flight, (maybe moving my landing date to Monday, at the worst) I can't ask him to wait for me. classes start Tuesday, there are books to be bought and grocery shopping to be done. But that leaves me with the whole: how do i get up to Idaho if Geoff leaves without me? and how do i get to my car, which I left with Shelly and Brian in Idaho?

ugh. i love traveling but i am beginning to absolutely HATE actual traveling. This year has been the most stressful by far. The whole Hamilton Fiasco followed by booking the wrong flight when Hamilton didn't work out, and then my flight getting cancelled to boston at the beginning of break, and now I am not sure if I will get back to Utah/Idaho when I am supposed to.

Why can't traveling ever go smoothly for me?