So, I was sitting here, thinking about how much I love the people in my life and how HUGE of an influence they have been on the person I am growing into. Without the people in my life, I wouldn't be the same person I am now. so. I'm going to start introducing you to the people in my life, just little snippets of them in my life; because without them, there is no Chelsie.
Juli moved into my ward when we were eight and from the first moment I met her, I was scared of her. She was a fiery and intimidating storm, very opinionated and strong spoken, especially for someone so young. At our first achievement day activity, I sat next to her, eager to make a new friend. She didn't hesitate to tell me that she hated New Hampshire, that she didn't want to make any friends here because she had plenty back in Mass, and that no matter what, she would never be happy as long as she was living in the Granite State. And so, after that day, I stayed away from the bitter girl who I thought I would never get along with, because I loved New Hampshire and couldn't see how anyone else couldn't.
Who would have thought that seven years later, I would be curled up on the couch in my living room, listening to my parents in the kitchen make various phone calls through their tears, feeling utterly alone and hopeless and defeated and scared, and not knowing what was in store for me. After hearing a knock on the front door, I answered it to find the now 16-year-old Juli standing on my front porch, looking just as scared as me. Somehow she had heard the news, had walked wordlessly out of her house, into her car and driven the half an hour drive to my own home and showed up on my front porch.
Without a word, she followed me back to the couch, curled up with me under the blanket and played with my hair as I finally let my tears out. There wasn’t anything said, no questions asked, or cries shushed. The wordless conversation that we had as we sat there, me crying and her hands in my hair spoke volumes, and was the most meaningful conversation I can ever remember having. We knew what was happening and what we were feeling and there was no need for anything to be said because we just knew.
And as my tears slowly subsided, it was then and there that she made the promise that would change our friendship for the rest of our lives.
"I promise you won't have to do this alone."
Two weeks to the date, two of the longest and hardest weeks I can ever remember having to endure, I sat in the cold metal chair of an almost empty hair salon, my vision blurred and senses dull from the high amounts of anti-nausea medicine that I was on. I was mentally prepared to have the massive knots in my hair re-dreaded, hoping with all of my heart that the ropes of knotted hair would stay for one more week before it finally started to fall out.
My hair dresser, a vivacious and bubbly 23-year-old named Bonnie was babbling on about her adorable two-year old as she picked up a random dread and began to roughly back-comb at the roots. I winced slightly, Bonnie’s hands showing no mercy as she wrenched the comb against my skull. I shifted in my seat, the smock uncomfortably tugging at my neck as I braced myself for what I thought would be an hour of hard core dread-locking. I froze as Bonnie’s constant flow of chatter suddenly stopped as she inhaled a sharp intake of breath and her hands stopped moving, and dropped to her sides. An unfamiliar coolness hit the very top of my head and I felt alarm flood my body.
“Um, I think that maybe we should stop the dreads…maybe give you a good wash and put some cornrows in?” Bonnie asked quietly from behind me, the slight quiver in her voice giving everything away. My hand immediately flew up to the top of my head, my fingers touching an unfamiliar patch of skin. Before I could let a tear fall or remember to breathe, Bonnie hurriedly continued on:
“I swear, we take out the dreads and give you a trim. The braids will cover it up. I got it covered.”
I looked into my mother’s eyes and saw the truth though. They were welled up with tears that only I could understand. This was real. The bald spot on my head was only going to get bigger, and soon, every hair was going to be gone, leaving me with the cold harsh slap in the face called reality. This was really happening. I was really sick.
“It is going to come off,” I managed to whisper. I was in shock. The tears refused to come; my body covered in a complete blanket of numbness. I knew it was happening, I knew that this was it, the confirmation of my world as I knew it ending and a new and absolutely terrifying world beginning.
Bonnie nodded silently, sitting down next to me and watching me cautiously.
“You can take your time love, just tell me when you are ready.”
I nodded quietly, not daring to say a word, knowing that the second I opened my mouth the numbness would disappear and every emotion would come spilling out.
“Are you hungry Belle? I can go get some chicken. You need to eat something anyways, you know Doctor J said that if you loose another pound he will have to put you on the feeding tube.” My mom asked softly, rummaging around in her purse, pulling out her lime green wallet and pulling out some bills.
“Sure Mom.” I managed to choke out, knowing that she needed something to do, something to make her feel like she was helping even though the situation at hand could receive no help.
Within a few moments, she was out of the door and down the strip mall, on her way to Cosmo’s to purchase a large order of my well-known comfort food of fried chicken.
Bonnie and I sat in silence; her not knowing what to say to comfort me and my still in shock. Finally, she broke the silence.
“Do you want to call someone?”
Within the instant of her words, I knew whom I wanted to talk to. I pulled out my phone and my fingers automatically hit speed dial three.
“Hello?”
“Hey Jularoo.”
“Hey! What’s going on? How are you feeling?” She rushed. I hadn’t talked to her for a few days and her relief was almost tangible over the phone line.
“Um, well…” My words would come out, they were stuck in my throat, and I felt like choking. Saying those five small words felt like condemning myself, sentencing myself to a year or longer of imprisonment.
“Is everything okay?” She was concerned.
I took a deep breath, and finally uttered, “My hair is falling out.”
“Where are you?”
“Cutting concepts, Bonnie is on.”
“I’ll be there in twenty.”
As I closed my phone, I felt a bit relieved, knowing that Juli was coming to be with me during this hour of need. I gingerly put my hand to the top of my head, cringing at the contact of skin to skin. This was going to take some getting used too.
The bell over the door tinkled, singling the return of my mom followed by the aroma of fried chicken. My stomach turned a little. I knew I needed to eat, but I was still feeling the serious after effects of the chemotherapy. My mom slid in the chair next to me, taking the chicken out and giving me a piece. I gingerly nibbled on the corner of one, trying to focus on just the fried greasy goodness and not everything else that was going on.
The bell tinkled about fifteen minutes later, as Juli’s petite form entered the salon, followed by her mom. She walked quietly over to me, sitting down on my left, and grabbing a piece of chicken from my mom. We all sat there in silence for a few minutes, nothing but the sounds of chewing and the occasional sniff from my mom. My mind was running miles a minute though, trying to find the courage and the strength to do what needed to be done. It was just hair, and nothing else. I could live without it and it would grow back when I was done with treatment. I could wear wigs, I could hide it and no one would ever know. I could do this. I could survive this.
Before I could talk myself out of it, or let my fear overtake me again, I broke the silence.
“Okay Bonnie, let’s do it, and let’s do it fast.”
Bonnie got up and spun me around, grabbing the sheers and turning them on. I felt the tears begin to slide down my face as Bonnie tilted my head down, and pressed the clippers to the base of my neck.
“Let’s go shopping later.” Juli’s voice came as she crouched down and smiled slightly.
I couldn’t help but giggle. She was always thinking about shopping. “I do need new shoes.”
The clippers started moving up my head and I felt the cool air hit more of my skull. After five minutes, the hair that I had been growing out for three years was all gone, laying in a knotted and groady mess at the base of my chair. Bonnie removed the smock from my neck, and I got up slowly, my heart thudding as I slowly approached the mirror. I could barely recognize myself with the now smooth, shiny head and skinny frame. I looked almost alien. This was it. I was really a cancer patient.
I turned around to ask my mom for a hat, my head already freezing after being stripped of its thermal layer. I was met with a confusing scene.
“Juli, what are you doing?”
Juli was sitting in the chair I had just gotten out of, the smock already fastened around her neck. Both of our mothers had tears in their eyes and Bonnie was already silently crying.
“Do you really think I’m going to let you be the only bald one when we go shopping?” She asked, smiling slightly.
I stared at her in shock. There was no way anyone would do that for me, would sacrafice something that big for me.
“Juli, don’t be ridiculous. “
“I’m not being ridiculous. It’s just hair Chels, it will grow back.” She said, and turned to Bonnie. “I’m ready whenever you are.”
Bonnie picked up the clippers once again and I watched in absolute astonishment as Juli’s hair fell to the floor next to mine. Five short minutes later, I was looking at an equally bald girl. I wanted to cry and hug her and thank her all at once.
“Juli, you are crazy.”
“Shut up Chels, I told you. You aren’t going to do this alone. Now, let’s go shopping. I really want to get my ears pierced too.”
We both slid hats on our heads and walked out to the car. All of a sudden, I didn’t feel that horrible any more. My hair wasn’t that big of a deal. I wasn’t the only bald girl anymore. I had someone to be bald with.
No comments:
Post a Comment