Do you ever have those days when you wake up and you just know that your going to be in a bad mood, even though there is absolutely no reason for it? absolutely NO reason for it, and you know that and you are in a bad mood anyways and there being no reason for it makes you even angrier? Yeah. That is what happened this morning. I think the best way to describe it is that I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Come to think of it, I went to bed on the wrong side too.
I just had an amazing weekend in Oregon. I saw my roommate, I went for a boat ride, I stood on Washington soil for the first time and I stood on the edge of the Pacific Ocean and I breathed. I put my feet in that water and I looked out to the horizon and I breathed. It is such an amazing feeling to stand on the edge of something so big and realize how small you are but how you count somewhere anyway.
But this weekend was also hard for me. I had the one year anniversary haunting of a friend's tragic and sudden death in the back of my mind, confusion about relationships and where I stand with people and some comments dragging me down even though they shouldn't have. I've been battling with my loyalty to different people and how that seems to conflict. I've been trying to figure out where the line is with how close I can allow myself to be with people who, because of new relationships in their lives, changes the relationship I have with them.
12 hour car ride, 2 puppies and five very grumpy people later, and tuesday was not a good day for me. not enough sleep, no clean laundry, feelings building up about weekend hurts, roommate drama, last minute homework, taking out frustrations and hurts on someone who I care about and who deserved much kinder treatment, finding out exciting news and then making an honest mistake that probably caused some tension in a relationship that I have constantly relied on, and ending my night with familiar faces but not the ones I have been used to this semester. So yeah. I went to bed on the wrong side last night.
And I woke up thinking: today is not going to be my best day. It was 6:30 and I had a paper to finish writing that I didn't have the motivation for. My room is a mess. School is overwhelming. All of the changes that are coming at me have hit me hard all at once and I really feel like I can't breathe. I just wanted to talk to my daddy because he is always so good at giving me tough love, but he wouldn't answer his phone all day. My phone was oddly silent this morning, typical texts were absent. The more I putted around my apartment, the more bitter I got. I kept on thinking about so many things and I couldn't calm down.
First of all. I am sucking at school. excusing me for using that word; but it's a true story. What the heck happened to the Chelsie who was so focused last semester? The girl who was all A's and B's and on top of every assignment and didn't miss a single class? What happened to her? I am so angry at myself for letting myself slack off, for losing all of that motivation and drive that kept me going last semester. I don't know where it went, and I hate that I can't find it.
I'm failing at my resolutions this year. Every one. I haven't tried to work on one single one for the last month and a half. That is so unlike me. ugh.
I'm stressed about money. I completely lost track of the date and my credit card bill was due yesterday. shoot. and now, I need to figure out how to pay to get my butt home to Boston for May 15th, get my butt to Seaside Oregon (clear across the country) for May 21st (a week later) and pay for all of the things that come along with being a bridesmaid and a best friend to another bride. (dress, presents, shower gifts) And I gotta keep Cazz in good shape. Oh, and I need to figure out what the heck I am doing for the summer, if I am going to go to school and work at the alumni office or try to do EFY or get something completely different. Ugh. I am not a fan.
I think I'm mostly scared though. I am scared of the changes that are coming at me. I've been hit with a whole bunch of new things that I can't really wrap my mind around. I'm in shock, I'm excited, I'm happy but I'm really just scared out of my mind. I know it sounds incredibly selfish, but I'm worried about how all these changes are going to affect me. My relationships with people are going to change and it is scary; more specifically because two of the most important people who I rely on the most are moving on with their lives. I know that I will still be important and in the picture, but things will change. I don't know what to do with that. I want the best for my friends and I guess when it comes down to that; I'm okay with these changes. I want my friends to be happy and I know that they are. I can see it when he smiles and I can hear it when she laughs and I can feel it when they are around those people who make them really and truly happy. and really, when it comes down to it, I am willing to let go of those people if they are happy. I have always been the kind of person who puts others' happiness before her own, especially her friends.
I don't really know what to do with these changes, I guess. I'm afraid to be left behind again. I'm afraid to watch everyone else's lives move along and feel like I am in a standstill. I think that is one of my biggest fears that I've never really realized before until now. I don't ever want to relive that time in my life again; the time when I disappeared for a while and when I came back, I had no clue where I fit in anymore because everyone else continued to move forward while I was stuck in the walls of a hospital room. The thought of being left behind again is actually the scariest thing I can think of right now. Don't get me wrong, I don't ever want to hinder my friends growth or learning experiences. I would never envy of them or deny them of the ability to move on with their lives. I'm just scared of being left behind.
I have a friend who is alway saying that he can only help so much because of my trust issues. He always makes it clear that he isn't blaming me for my trust issues; I was treated like crap by a lot of people and it has made it pretty much impossible for me to trust anyone. ever. But as I look back on those moments that I have done a pretty good job of blocking out, I realize that he's right. I was treated pretty poorly by some people and it's still affecting me in ways that I can barely comprehend.
I'm scared about the habits that I have been tempted to slip back into; habits that I once kicked for good, but are now whispering in the back of my mind and tempting me to take steps backwards instead of forwards. I can't go back there. I can't.
I'm scared about my body too. Holy large amounts of bruising that has never been a big problem before. I know that the hottub this weekend could have attributed to it, but I've been noticing it for a few weeks now. It's scaring me. And the pain in my left hip has me taking Aleeve on a 24/7 basis, which is not good for my already tired kidneys.
and mary. my sweet little Mary girl who is about to start another trial...a Dox. Trial. (aka the red devil). It isn't going to be easy.
And all of this is adding up, adding up, adding up, and my room is messy and my homework isn't done and I'm so tired and I am on the edge of a slight implosion and I feel like a hermit crab but I don't feel right about my usual solution to hermit crab days. I feel like I can't take up people's time anymore, that I need to figure out how to stand on my own two feet again because relationships change and I need to learn that I can't rely on them all of the time. I need to focus. I need to be better. I need to improve. I need to hope. I need to find the strength and move on. I need to keep my feelings to myself and be there for others and love unconditionally. I need to be careful about the emotional deposits that I am making, because I am already watching some of them walk away, even if it is unintentional. I am justa Chelsiebelle and while I know I am loved, I know that it is all I am: Just Chelsiebelle. and though I sometimes I love who I am, today is not one of my best days and I am not a fan of that.
But i recognize that I am human. This is me being human. I have a right to feel and I'm not going to apologize for that. I have a right to be human. I need to remember that.
but most of all. I need to remember what it felt like to be standing on the edge of that ocean.
Breathe, Chelsabelle.
your life is beautiful, no matter what happens.
1 comment:
I read it all. But, of course I did. Things are difficult, but they will get better. "Just breathe. You'll never live this moment again."
Post a Comment