observations on emotions and myself

i'm playing my flute seriously again for the first time in six months.
making music is the only thing that makes sense to me these days.

I've been discovering some things about myself over the last week.

most of the time when i'm emotionally overloaded, i write. My blog is a pretty good example of that. Writing is a release for me.

but there are times when i'm just so done with emotions that i just shut down and numb myself to everything. If i don't acknowledge that it's there, i don't have to feel it and I can function better. That's basically how it was all last summer after BP left and all last fall before I met Geoff. He basically pulled my emotions out of me again and re-taught me how to feel things when I feel them instead of locking them away until I have no room for them anymore and they come busting out months later.

Here's a secret about me. Last May, when BP left, I didn't cry. I didn't cry about one single thing that went wrong (even when Hamilton broke down in New York and I booked the wrong flight to go back to school) until late November during Thanksgiving break, sitting on Geoff's couch, eating tomato soup. I thought it was impressive until I broke and felt every emotion I had tucked away for seven months.

It's been a constant learning process ever since that day on how to experience emotions instead of ignoring them. Geoff will be the first to tell you: "A lot of work has been put into her." hahaha. He definitely knows how to lay it down.

Anway, the whole reason for this tangent on emotions is that even though Geoff has left, I have still shared current emotions with people who I still interact and trust with out here; albeit that is only a handful. I've actually asked people to be there for me when I know I'm about to break...which I have never done before. And as I've written about in the past, I'm learning that I do deal better with things when someone is by my side to unload to.

I think it's all about finding a balance for me though. I have been too emotional the last few months and I don't like it. I know where some of it has come from and a chunk of it is from my insecurities. I've been telling too many people what's going on and I don't like that. I'm usually not that girl who talks about herself all of the time (me monster). There are so many bigger things in this world that are way more important then me.

Maybe it's just because I'm tired of feeling things that I promised myself I wouldn't feel. Maybe it's because I am still a little busted up inside from last May. Maybe it's because I'm scared beyond belief at losing the fun things about myself that I have discovered. Maybe i'm just scared of everything. I guess that would make sense.

But over the last few days; I've realized a few things.

1. I'm unloading too much
2. I'm relying too much
3. There are people I love who need to be listened to instead of doing the listening
4. I may just be Chelsie, but I deserve kindness and honesty.
5. I need to learn how to experience emotions on my own.
6. I love unconditionally. I hate confrontation. Those facts combined are a cause of a lot of my heartache. No matter what someone does to me or how they hurt my feelings, I still find love for them. How can I not? I'm have a vivid memory and I find myself remembering all of the good, happy times that show me that the person is a good person. Someone who made a difference in my life; who taught me something. So I just love.

I don't know if any of this makes sense. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I am reverting back to ignoring emotions because I feel like I've been unloading and relying too much. I've noticed that a lot of good can come from me just staying quiet. But no matter what happens in the following months, I will love unconditionally.


I can survive this.