there and back again...

so yesterday, my FHE brother and I embarked on a Lord of the Rings extended edition marathon. and although I left half way through Return of the King to take care of something, I still feel accomplished that I got that far. last time i tried to do that, I went to bed before the first one was even finished. lame sauce, i know.

and this is what I have to say:

Things have been confusing for me lately. I won't go into detail, but they just have been confusing. I've been trying to figure things out, figure friendships out, figure out what I need and why I crave certain things from people. On top of that, there is a very scary letter in transit right now that I am dreading the arrival of, finals and tests and grades and a very large car bill waiting for me in a month. ugh. I've been overwhelmed in a totally different way then usual this week and I have not been a fan.

I've been finding comfort in some new people who have kept my spirits up and have made me feel better about some things. I have learned a lot this last week, including rediscovering the world outside, and the spirit of the holidays and how to just be alive again. But now it is the end of the week and my best friend just left to go back to Utah and I've realized that some other people have other things to do that are more important then keeping me company. (that sounds snotty, I realize this, but i mean it in the most kindest, realistic way. I know that the world doesn't revolve around me and I am fine with that) But am I a little hurt by all of that? for sure. But I realized, once again that I can take what I've learned from the people who have come into my life and apply it to myself and be a better person.

I can not let anything slow me down, and I can't let anything hurt me too much. Take the punch, accept the hurt, breathe and learn. Friends are always a great thing to have and I always take away so much from the people who are in my life. But I realize that things won't be like they were in fall of 08, and that I can't expect them to be like that and in turn, I can't try to make them be like that. Trying to fill up that hole with a new piece of the puzzle that is just slightly off in size or shape makes things painful when I finally realize that it just won't fit. Instead, I need to take the new people and things and events in my life and let the hole adapt to their shapes. It will make me a different person, but that is how life is. It is my right to grow and learn. No more forcing things or hoping for things to be like they used to be. Things are in the past and it is time for new experiences to keep on shaping and changing me. I need to take what is given to me and run with it. Accept it. Be better because of it. and i can't let it get me down.

I don't have the time or the emotional capacity, really.

I'm pretty sure that none of this will make any sense to anyone. oh well.

and to tie this back to lord of the rings..

in conclusion:

Even darkness must pass.

the shadow proves the sunshine. I believe in the sun, even when it isn't shinning.

and when i think: "I wish none of this had happened"

So do all who live to see such time, but that is not for them to decide. All's you have to decide, is what to do with the time that is given to you.

and always:

there is some good in this world. and it is worth fighting for.

escaping to middle earth makes everything better.