some of these emotions have totally caught me off guard. I feel like i've been punched in the stomach and sometimes i can't breathe or i feel just totally naseous. (I can't figure out how to spell that word, oh well)
A week ago, I was doing fine. A week ago, none of these feelings phased me.
sometimes, i feel like the things that happened to me are all distant memories or echos of dreams. there is a fuzzy blur to all of the things that happened to me and it is easy to almost forget about it. and then, something happens that throws it all back in my face and i freak out and I think: "i'm more screwed up then I realized".
Juli said: "I think that is why they call it trauma."
I've lost my center and I keep reminding myself of it, but I can't get myself back to it quite yet.
I guess my problem is that I had begun to hope a little too soon and got a little carried away with dreams and plans. I need to take a step back and let things move along the way they are meant to go, and trust that things will work out the way they are supposed to.
and I need to breathe about the letter. it's coming at least, right? That is what I've been waiting for and wanting. He's thinking about me, right? I guess I am afraid of what the letter is going to say, and worried if it is going to make things worse instead of better. ugh.
advice from my best friend:
"let it happen naturally."
"You don't need to let him back in, even after you forgive him"
sidenote. i need gas asap tomorrow morning, and a trip to the store to get some chocolate and cookie dough is a must. I need to place a phone call to Alexandra, because it is long over due and I miss her terribly. Maybe I'll go to the library with Kevin and start studying for science. That would probably be a good idea, seeing as my mom called me today and got on my case about facebooking during class on friday.
Stay busy, Chelsiebelle. you have work and your best friend, and your roommates and the boys and school. Stay focused and know that you will be home soon. things will work out.
life is still beautiful, no matter what happens.
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