History 300

"You have an incredible writing style," he says, as he hands back my paper. "You know, I often think that you just can't teach people everything there is to writing. Writing well; it's a hard thing to learn. But you have a natural ability. You write very well."

I smile to myself as I hunch over to keep the rain out of my eyes, avoiding the puddles that stand between me and the car. It's flattering, but also gratifying to receive a compliment like that from someone I respect. And it's comforting; to know that every time I have attempted to put feelings into words has built up to something. I may not be the best writer; but I do know that I am meant to write.

on waiting.

It's the only time I've felt like I was actually waiting.

The last two years have been filled with other things. Knee replacements. Serving at Zion's Camp. Preparing for China. Living in China. Road tripping. I've been busy doing stuff for me. Recovering, learning, growing. And though he has been by me every step of the way (through his constant letters and prayers) I have spent the last two years very much on my own, and holding the spot where he belongs, waiting for him to come fill it back up, but focusing on me. But now, there is nothing left to focus on, except him coming home. 

I have a few weeks left. That's it. Just a few weeks left, and he'll be back and that hole in my heart that he left will be filled with his laughter and his patience and the way he looks at me and just knows what I need to hear. 

I sometimes worry about our initial reunion. What will I say? What will he be like? Will we still fit just as well as we used to? What if I'm too different? What if he is? 

But then, I think about that blue bow and using it to push the hair out of my face while I wait for him to show up. I think about seeing him there, feeling him, realizing that he is real, and that hole in my heart almost feels complete just thinking about him being back. I think about telling him everything; about sliding back into our daily routine that is so familiar. I think about my future and how I just can't see it without him by my side. I think about that moment when the distance between closes and we become us again.

I'm not sure how it will happen; our reunion. I'm not sure how I'll get through those last few days. But I am sure of this: he's coming home and I love him more then I loved him when he left. So, I'm not worried, really. He's still him. and I am still me. And we are still very much us. 

full of wonder

I can't believe I'm leaving New England tomorrow. I mean, I know I've left before to go to school for long periods of time, but I can't believe I'm leaving tomorrow and when I come back, I will have seen the other side of the world. I wonder how I feel, the next time I'm in this bed. I wonder how many new friends I'll have, and if I'll cry because I miss my kids so much. I wonder if I'll have a hard time adapting to America again and if I'll be 10 lbs lighter from weight that I lost. I wonder where I'll be in my life and if I'll still be okay with my career choice after I come back. I wonder what cool things I will have seen and what weird things I will have eaten and what awkward stories I'll be bursting to tell.

I'm so excited to go to China.

And, as weird as this is, I'm so excited to come home too. Because New England sets my soul on fire, and my heart will always belong here.

But I wonder, in six months, if a part of it will belong to China too.

Rain and Books

It's been rainy today and it smells like fall. I'm ordering my 2nd generation Kindle right now (I decided I didn't want to wait for the kindle touch to come out and that i didn't need to spend that much money on something just to have a touch screen) and I'm looking forward to when it comes. I want to curl up with a good book and a cup of herbal tea and read forever. I love being an English major. I love that I finally have figured out what I'm doing with my life.