Observations on friendships

You know what is a bummer? When you feel like you are being replaced. When you have friends who you would do anything for; who you did everything with, and because circumstances changed slightly, you feel like you are being forgotten. You feel like you are becoming more of an obligation. You feel like you have to put more time in energy into other relationships because you are afraid of being left alone. You watch from a distance as they spend more time with other people and only hang out with you when you initiate it. You watch everyone receive their happily ever after and you feel stuck because you are in this standstill, waiting to see if you get yours. And no one seems to care about that anymore. No one seems to understand how utterly lonely and hard it can be to be standing on that end of the spectrum. 

It is a never ending cycle. It happens to friendships in middle school when you move up to high school. And it happens to friendships in high school when you move on to college. And I'm learning that it happens in college too.

But it's okay. This isn't a pity party. This isn't an attack at anyone. These are just observations while I watch others around me find a happiness that I sometimes feel will never come for me.

But, I'm happy in other ways. I've got good things going for me. I'm walking again and I am making plans to have my hip procedure done during break and to go back to PT to continue to push my range. I'm really going to China next semester to teach English and to make a difference in someone's life. And I'll get to come home and live another summer of service at Zion's Camp. I have an incredible family, home ward and stake who support me in everything I do. I have sweet roommates and awesome co-workers.  I have an amazing best friend who somehow figures out how to be the most supportive and stable rock in my life, even when he can't be with me. And I have the gospel, and the knowledge of forever families. I have Thanksgiving Break in Boise with Jillise next week. And I have New England and my fireplace and my family and my cazz machine waiting for me in just over a month. 

I'm not one to confront others with how I feel when it comes to these things; so I write it out, count my blessings and realize that it's okay. I'm never going to be left alone. I am blessed. I am happy. And I will just hope that I'll never be entirely forgotten by those I love most.