move along

Ever have that dream where your legs don’t work?

Every sense in your body is telling you to run,

But you are glued to the spot, as if the fight or flight response didn’t exist.

You’re only choice is to stand there and face whatever’s coming, head on

Waiting and hoping and praying that you wake up before the storm hits.

Have you ever realized that there is no dream?

And that you’ve been awake all along?

I stand unevenly

and I feel like I've been standing still for four years.

I’m the girl on the sidelines, I’m the girl on the stands.

I’m the one who watches, but never plays.

Sometimes I feel like a shadow and sometimes...

I feel like I’m just existing, without a purpose.

Everyone looks, but no one sees because they are all moving forward,

Following plans and dreams and futures

And I am stuck standing still, because plans…

Well, it’s pointless to have one these days

because my plans never seem to work out.

Sometimes I have these moments when I think I’m finally waking up and regaining the ability to move again.

But it’s always the same story...

It’s like swinging. 

I’m moving, but I’m not going anywhere.

I’ve come to realize something though.

Maybe not being able to move isn’t part of the nightmare.

When you can’t seem to move and your legs don’t want to work,

maybe that is a gift.

Because the only way to overcome your fears is to be there, just as you are.

Or maybe standing still or moving forward is a choice.

And maybe we stay in the storm because we’ve forgotten what the sun feels like.

Sometimes the hope for better days is too painful to face because it seems like the storm will never end.

But that’s life. There will always be a storm on the horizon.

And the sun will always come out tomorrow.

Life will continue to be beautiful, no matter what happens,

Even when it is raining outside.

This is it; this is life.

Blink and you’ll miss it.

I stand unevenly

and I feel like I've been standing still for four years.

There are days when I want to turn my back on it all and run away as hard and as fast as I can from everything that has happened.

I want to forget it all, erase the memories, give up and give in.

But my legs don’t work. I can’t run away.

And so I stand here, in my own personal storm.

But it is my choice to let this become a nightmare.

And although it may be raining out,

I am breathing; my heart is beating… I am alive.

And I'm learning that the rain makes the flowers grow

and that storms can be beautiful in their own way..

And just because I can’t run away doesn’t mean that I can’t move forward.

so today.

i take a step.

and i move along.