April 15th, 2009

Want to know what is currently warping my mind right now?

a year ago.
a year ago to the day of April 15.

a year ago tonight, I was falling asleep in a bed in the heart of Oregon; having finished packing and shifting around my clothes in three suitcases and printing out boarding passes for my flight from Portland to Sacramento. a year ago in about 12 hours, I was getting off a plane in the Sacramento airport, being greeted by a familiar and loved face and shoving my suitcases in the back of Zandra's mom's Fit. a year ago, I had plans and dreams and ideas and they were all focused around one person. a year ago, I thought I knew exactly what life had in store for me. a year ago; i was basking in the California sunshine, eating in-n-out, walking down the streets of Nevada City hand in hand with a boy and glowing.

when i think about a year ago and the differences between the person i was then and the person i am now; i can't help but be sad, proud and content all at the same time. i'm so different from the Chelsie who was standing in the middle of pioneer park on April 15th, 2009. since then, i've experienced real heart break, real forgiveness, real healing, real happiness and real trust. I've come a long way. The summer that followed April was one of the hardest and most beautiful times of my life. Fall semester was the best semester of my college career. I owned school; I owned getting a job and I found security and comfort in my roommates. I met some beautiful people who taught me new things about life and about myself. I met the Klenotich sisters, my two roommates who have inspired me in different ways to never let my dreams or goals go. I met my brother, who slowly began to break down my walls and taught me how to trust again. Winter semester was just the opposite of fall, and was the worst semester of my college career. Health problems, insecurities, the past coming to haunt me, school and work piling up. It was the worst emotional roller coster I have been on in a long time. I cried more this semester than I did during the year I was sick. Intense.

But here I am. I got through this last year. I survived. And I am better because of it.
I have learned so much about myself and about where I am going. I have learned how to build on the moment and on the present and how to hope and dream; but to be open to change.

If there is anything I have really learned about this past year; it would be change, and how to embrace it and how to deal with it and how to see the beauties that come from change. Change is hard. Sometimes, change is heartbreaking. But we are always changing. Every breath I take is different in some way or form from my last breath. I am constantly changing; I am constantly thinking and growing and making connections. Change is tricky. Sometimes I hate it with all of my little being. I hate watching people I love leave, or watching people I love hurt. I hate finding security in someone or something and then watching as time progresses and the things I have found myself relying on being constant and consistent, changing. But, if anything; I have learned that change is everything. Without change, there is no way to learn or grow. Without the changes over the last year, I wouldn't be the person I am today. I wouldn't have had the opportunity to really learn how to forgive, or how to open up or how to love unconditionally. Change is good. It sucks sometimes, but like my mom says: "think of the bigger picture, Belle." And that is what I've learned. That bigger picture. Because while sometimes change sucks in the moment; the truth is that in the long run, change will benefit us, if we let it.

This week has been weird. It's been so weird not having to worry about anything school related. It's weird coming home from work and realizing that I'm done for the day. It's weird watching movies non-stop, it's weird having the ability to take a three hour nap after my shift. It's weird only having three of us in our apartment. It's weird not being able to waltz over to the Arbor Cove house on the corner and hang out with Geoff. It's just weird. it's different. it's change.

and next week will bring more change. school will start back up, there will be new faces around, new people to try out this trust thing with and the absence of faces who kept me company constantly last semester (vicki, trish, jillise, carissa and geoffrey). But it'll be okay. change is good.

so tonight, exactly a year later from April 15th, 2009, I will curl up in my own bed, here in the heart of Rexburg, Idaho. I'll wake up tomorrow morning and go into the Alumni Office to work my morning shift as receptionist. After that, I'll swing back home, grab Erin, fill up the Cazz Machine and drive to Utah with the windows rolled down, the music blasting and filled with excitement at the great adventures and change that lay ahead of me.