tuesday

it's 11:40 pm on a tuesday night and i'm teary. ugh. i haven't been teary in weeks and it's been such a beautiful change in my life this semester. but i'm teary tonight because Tuesdays are usually my favorite days and today sucked. I was close to losing my only source of income and in turn my ability to stay here in the spring and pay for my car. I came home from work, putted around, vented, whined, studied, took a test, came back home and was just a mess. Not a teary mess. Just a quite and reserved and lost in my thoughts kind of mess. I'm really good at beating myself up sometimes and tonight I really let myself have it. I feel like such a disappointment, to myself and to others. I hate that I haven't lived up to my goals and potential this semester. I hate that I can't get myself on track for longer then a few days. I'm just disappointed in a lot about myself tonight. I'm just not good enough today.
I went and got Jamba Juice with Vicki and ran into the store to stalk up on my usual bread, milk, block of cheese, wheat thins and chips a'hoy. I came home and my roommates went to run errands and I was left in the silence of my apartment. I melted chocolate and dipped cake balls. Brad stopped by for a bit, but he was exhausted and only stayed for a few minutes to chat. My roommates came home and I retreated to my room because I'm just not in a good enough place to be in company right now. I watched Gossip Girl and I thought about my english paper. And I got teary. I finally realized that the only thing that would have made me feel better today was if I admitted to being a hermit crab and curled up in my shell for a few minutes. But I've been trying really hard to be brave and to suck it all in and be my own shell because the one that I'm used to isn't going to be around much longer. I think I might have exhausted that one out anyways. I'm so demanding sometimes and I'm so needy and I need to change it. I've been trying to figure out how to be on my own again, because I'm coming back to the point where I have to say goodbyes and I'll have to figure out how to stand on my own to feet.  I'm already feeling the difference and the slow, but sure shift in the way things are. Maybe this is the emotion that I've been afraid to feel finally bursting through; the fear and anxiety of another piece of me drive away. I'm not sure. Maybe I'm just afraid to say goodbye.
I do know this:
Today has been hard, in more than the way of my job almost being terminated.
I am realizing a lot, beating myself up, and finally letting myself feel the fear of fearing regret. Because that is what I think I am scared of most; I'm scared of regretting letting people in. I'm scared of regretting letting my walls and defenses down. I'm scared of a repeat.
I just feel alone tonight.

I've aspire to be so much more then what I am. But I need to remember what Brother said the other day; about how sometimes we need to focus on improving what we have instead of changing what we have. I can't change some things about myself or change myself in some ways that make me different, but I can improve the things that I do have.

I aspire to improve.

Keep moving forward and keep breathing.
be thankful for your trials and for being alive.
know that people are pulling for you and love you.
stay focused, keep your chin up and don't be afraid to feel.

you can do it, chelsiebelle.